Mature and Dating: Dating at 40 or older

In 2020, I noticed a shift in the intimate dating relationships issues reported by my mature clients. These single clients in their mid-40s to 60s admitted to being lonely but did not find dating appealing. Each of these clients, males and females, were desirous of finding meaningful connections, not necessarily marriage, but substantive intimate partnerships that appeal to their stage of life development. It was a transitional desire that shocked many, especially the males, as many had viewed their later years as liberating and dreamt of reinventing themselves, but then discovered that they did not want to do this alone. While I do believe that the COVID-19 pandemic and the social isolation mandated at that time were significant in instigating this awakening, it was still not surprising that it occurred, as intimate connections constitute one of our natural developmental desires that is often ignored as we age. 

Why are you still single?

Being older and single is not a period of desperation. People are single for varying reasons. For some, it was a matter of choice, as marriage or family was not one of their life goals; for others, it may have resulted from a divorce or even the loss of a partner. Whatever the reason, many older adults are still interested in intimate connections. But what is the dating convention for this age, and how do you find someone compatible? These were some of the questions my clients asked. In this blog, let’s explore 'mature and dating advice' in the modern age.

First: Am I too old to date?

Not much attention has been given to the intimate, sexual, and interpersonal transitions of mature adults in later life stage development. However, with health and wellness advancements, aging is now just a number, and many people though aging are still seeking and living invigorating lives. With that being said, there is no cut-off age for romantic connections. With aging comes a level of confidence and freedom that is quite appealing. Dating when older has a different meaning from earlier years. Now, dating means companionship, exploration, and freedom to reinvent oneself. The wisdom attained from aging can help older adults find authentic connections.

Second: What are the Rules of Engagement?

While the expectations of older adults stepping back onto the dating scene have changed, so too have the dating norms, language, and ways to meet people. One female client shared that it felt like everything revolved around easy sex. One male client was concerned that he was expected to pay for time without sex. Opposing but interesting views. However, the commonality in both is that people are now upfront with their expectations. The idea of taking time to get to know someone is no longer popular. Dating, like everything else in this modern age, is flawed with the need for immediate gratification.    

Third: Solutions

• The first step in successfully dating when older is to carry out a self-evaluation.      Understand what you value most at this stage in your life and be realistic with your expectations. 
• Next, be bold and step outside the parameters that once defined a partner. Do not let age, race, culture, or the traditional “baggage” hold you back. 
• Identify your boundaries early and be upfront in voicing your limitations. Remember, we live in a world of instant gratification. So, if sex is off the table, say this early. Older adults do find sex fulfilling but may not wish for quick hookups. 
• Try different social activities to broaden your reach in finding a likely partner. I had a client who tried online dating and was successful; another started going to live band performances alone and was approached by someone; another took a bold move and began traveling in a singles group, only to find the ideal travel partner. 
• Finally, be safe, as dating includes some risk factors. Be wary if asked for money,      share with others information about your dates, use protection if sexually intimate, and most importantly trust your feelings, if your security feels threatened leave.

Happy dating, and good luck out there!