Blog: Mindfulness Psychology

Over the years, my work with couples tends to reveal a recurring theme in ineffective communication, regardless of the other issues that brought them to therapy. This article identifies common communication patterns that negatively affect intimate relationships along with guidance in shifting habitual responses into thoughtful ones. Communication is powerful and can make or break any relationship regardless of the other foundation's strengths. My one recommendation to anyone starting a relationship is to pay keen attention to how they deliver and receive information to ensure they do not foster dysfunctional communication patterns that eventually turn into communication roadblocks. 

A Case Study

Jan and Al (pseudonyms) have been together for 15 years. Jan believes that Al is cheating because of his absence from home, spending a lot of time on his phone, and lack of sexual intimacy for almost 6 months. Before this, Jan described their relationship as perfect. When questions are asked, Jan quickly answers. When I invited Al into the conversation, he sighed frustratedly, looked at Jan, and said, “You already know, how I feel.” When asked to share his feelings he stated that he was annoyed, then Jan quickly interrupted by stating he had no reason to be annoyed and then asked a follow-up question on reasons for his annoyance. To which he remained silent. The dysfunctional communication is noticeable, and a significant factor in their conflict, but it was not the reason for seeking therapy. 

Communication Roadblocks

When couples clash they go automatically into their protective mode. It comes from our natural need to survive. In this mode we rely on habitual reactions, we don’t think. During Jan and Al’s interaction, the pattern in their communication emerges. Al withdraws, while Jan seeks control. Emotional expressions, body language, and unspoken truths are all ignored allowing the erection of communication roadblocks. 

Three common roadblocks emerge for our couple – 

1. Withdrawal - This prevents connection as it is void of any exchange. The person withdraws because they do not believe that their opinion matters. Withdrawal can be seen clearly in the empty eyes, lack of body reaction, and lack of interest in being present. Al shows no interest in continued engagement and has tuned out. 
2. Exerting control - This is very common and is depicted in many ways. Some latent forms are advising/lecturing, convincing, or moralizing, while more active forms present as threats, orders, or admonishment. Control is a significant roadblock as it reduces autonomy in the relationship and puts your partner in defense mode, where they spend time apologizing, reassuring, or justifying, rather than listening. 
3. Condemning – This is detrimental to a person’s sense of worth and when habitually experienced in communication, is damaging to one’s self-esteem. Jan discounts Al’s feelings, she accuses him based on her logic and is confused in rejecting his contribution yet asking for his input. 

There are many other communication roadblocks, but these three are not only relevant to our case but are also common occurrences in everyday relationships.

Listening: The Foundation of Effective Communication

Effective communication is built on the need to connect. The exchange if done well creates understanding, NOT agreement. Jen and Al were not connecting. To facilitate this, the most important communication skill needed is active listening. This means being present and aware of the current interaction, not mentally taking an inventory of past conflicts, or holding on to past beliefs. Listening involves paying attention to words, body language, voice tone, eye contact, and emotional expressions. A significant component of active listening is the feedback mechanism; a way to ensure you understand the message. This could be done by summarizing or paraphrasing what you heard and/or validating the emotions expressed. Finally comes the hardest part, especially during a conflict – the wait. Be silent and allow a response. If your partner walks away at that moment they have still communicated. Be patient and give them space. When we look at Jan and Al, we see that listening was absent. This was the first task in their therapeutic intervention – the development of listening skills.