Training for Your Relationship

This month’s blog flows from an issue common in my work with couples. Couples usually blame each other for the conflicts in their relationship. Thus, intake sessions often consist of finger-pointing, identification of the wrongs or failures of one party, the suffering endured, listing of things that each wants the other to fix, and ultimately the retribution that each partner feels entitled to for their suffering. Couples rarely walk into therapy saying, I need help to repair how I have contributed to the current conflict in my relationship, yet here is where my work with all conflicting couples begins.

How does it start?

Every relationship starts with a ‘getting to know you’ phase. It is when we present the best version of ourselves. During this time, we hold back from displaying traits, or behaviors deemed to be negative. However, in doing this we begin crafting unrealistic long-term expectations for the relationship. We create unique relationship norms and decisions to commit emerge from these norms. So, if one party presents as okay with their partner’s overzealous spending and even fills in the deficits when there is a shortfall. This becomes one of the norms on which the commitment was built. However, later in the relationship, when financial difficulty arises, conflict emerges on overspending. One party may struggle to understand why their partner cannot see that their spending habit is a problem, while the other party stands shocked that their partner is no longer supportive and has become argumentative.

Sorting out the problem

Presenting our best selves is part of the evolution process. We wouldn’t want to do otherwise in the ‘getting to know you’ phase. But, as we evolve and recognize some habits as problematic to the stability of the relationship, we must be willing to change. Now here’s the challenge, we have no control over our partner, only over ourselves. So, while we recognize some attitudes and behaviors in our partner as problematic, we cannot force change upon them but rather can turn the spotlight on ourselves and look at the habitual responses that enable the problematic ones and start the process of change within ourselves.

The Training Process

Identifying those habitual responses that support your partner’s problematic behaviors is the first step in the training process. Evaluate the rationale behind your normative responses and ask yourself if the reason is a valid, or helpful one. This allows you to determine your readiness for change. Choose one habit and become the change you want to see. So, if the problematic behavior is shouting between you and your partner, then start by listening and speaking in a normal tone or be silent until the space is given for you to speak. With daily intentional effort start your change, don’t look for reciprocity, this is about you. Keep a record of the behaviors you committed to change and monitor the progress. Be sure to reward your efforts, this is the sweetest part of training. So, if you manage to go for an entire week without shouting back at your partner, celebrate this in some way.

While it is difficult to accept, each person in the relationship equally holds some blame for the conflicts that emerge. It is good to remember any change we make benefits us individually, not just the relationships. If you find yourself becoming content with the person, you are becoming then this is a sign of good training. Good job!